Today was pretty cool. I'm actually good at a sport yay! Badmitton or however you spell it. I was talking to peoples. Before then it was basically blah but nothing bad happened. Oh yeah in Chorus we got nostalgic and sang some songs from last year. Now I've said this before in different words, nostalgia feels good until it's over. It reminded me of being in 8th grade again. And for a split second I thought I would leave that classroom and go to D7 to find Tom and Javin and everyone there...I thoguht maybe this whole thing was just a dream and I'm still there. But of course that wont happen. And there are some things that have changed for the better since last year, such as me and Javin are now a couple rather than just friends, and I met some cool new people. Anyway...

Saw zee hot Jamaican today. ^_^ Had his dreads in some cool way that reminded me of Ky-Mani Marley. I think he waved to me...Maybe I'm delusional or he was waving to someone behind me, but I coulda sworn he waved to me, and that's what I wanna believe. I just took an hour nap. The one thing I hate about napping is that even though I've only been sleeping a little while, it feels like I missed so much and have been sleeping for hours. And I'm all out of it for a little. Yeah, just one more day.

Today in History class out teacher was talking about Sparta and how they had 2 kings but they still called it a monarchy. So he asked, "Why do they call it a monarchy if there are 2 kings?

So I say in my head, "They were Siamese twins." I was gonna say it out loud but I didn't. LMAO!

Now that's a funny ass show. It come on MTV on Thursdays. They are replaying episode 2 tonight and I am sooooo watching it. That "kill yourself" rap they made up when they were making fun of Lil' Wyte is just too funny. I can't find a video clip online of it yet.

Yesterday I was thinking, you're never satisfied no matter what you get that you wanted. It will be all good for a few minutes, hours, days w/e but eventually you're gonna want more and more. You sit there and say "IOf only blah blah blah would happen, I would be happy ". Truthfully you'll only be happy for that moment, 'cause then you're going to want even more. People that are rich lack other things in life so they still want SOMETHING. Once you get one thing, you want something different. It's a never-ending cycle.

So, 'tis been quite a while. I got my computer taken away last month because I was a bad girl. I did things but I don't regret it, and it was inevitable. I was gonna find a way even if I couldn't find a way. I made key dumb mistakes and I'll just be a lot more careful from now on. I think I will get my computer back though in a little while if I ask (this is the downstairs one which is a Vista but I actually like my old one). It was taken away as a punishment, but everything seems to be going well and I think they are beginning to trust me again. I was allowed to stay after with my friend a couple weeks ago, I can be in the house by myself again, and they're not acting wierd around me anymore. I just have to play it cool a little longer and it should be all good. But I must be extra EXTRA careful.

School is almost out, YAY! My favorite season is approaching. This has been the fastest year of school ever. I hope it's not the fastest summer too. I have met a lot of new people this year so I am gonna actually try to do things this time. My goal for next year is to completely obliterate these walls I have built around myself in 7th grade and really be ME 24/7, not hold back, not be shy around people or afraid to speak my mind.

So I came to a conclusion today that nothing in this world besides the air, water, and rocks can be "old". In the grand scheme of time, 85 years and 25 years are not too far apart. Even if someone was 120 years old, their time alive is minute compared to the age of the earth. Songs are not old, your grandma's not old, your computer's not old, that TV's not old, neither are those clothes or shoes.

Amy Winehouse is awesome, yaya!

Hmm why is there sexual innuendo in picture form on the side of my screen? (ad)

This day seemed surprisingly long. That's good I guess?

Class of 3000 is a great show, watch it.

I can't wait until Friday so I can watch Billy & Mandy: Wrath of The Spider Queen =D

Hmm I believe I shall begin to blog frequently again.

So today we went to the annual company picnic for my dad's job at Camel Beach Waterpark. :D It was fun, went on a lot of slides, ate good food, saw hot guys, you know, the usual :P. Thing is I saw one of my guy friends that I had a crush on a few years back (he works there) and as everytime I talk to him or see him, I noticed I still have feelings for him. He told me he would be there and to look out for him, and I did. I was looking for him & waiting to see him all day, and I finally did on one of the slides. that made me happy. It's odd how it lingered on so long, I think it's because he wasn't a jerk to me like other guys and he never pissed me off. He just didn't like me like that, but he was always nice and didn't start acting wierd around me after I told him. He has a girlfriend now. If there are any truly good dudes out there, he's one.

There was also something sick that happened there involving a guy, I was in the wave pool and there was these group of loud dudes acting ghetto. They kept looking at me and making noises but I acted like I didn't notice. But then once the waves started, the ugliest one out of the group with his buck teeth thought he'd try to be slick, and he but his arm around near my waist (not touching me all the way, I would have SLAPPED him lol) and stood behind me saying "Woo!" I reached back and casually pushed his hand away saying "uh-uh" (dunno if he heard or not though) and moved away, still acting like I didn't really notice. You gotta be pretty damn sexy if you're gonna try to pull a stunt like that and get away with it.

Had a good time though, good day for a change. It's like all the bullcrap that has been going on melted away for a while. I think we're going to a park tomorrow so that's neat, no sitting around in the house.

I will not be able to vote in the 2008 election, I'll only be 17! Damn! And I'm one of the people who is actually paying attention to those year-and-a-half-early presidential candidate debates that are going on now. (Democrat ones only)

Here's another whine, my dad got the new router but left this morning without hooking it up! (our old one got struck and can only work one computer now, the downstairs one, and I need mine in my room to work)

My mom told me I can't, but I am gonna try hooking up that router myself today.

So for the first time ever, I am actually training myself to go to sleep and wake up early BEFORE school starts. Today's goa was 6:45AM which I did ^_^, tomorrow's will be 6:30. I figured the only way I'd get used to going to sleep early was to go to bed at my normal time of 1:00AM and force myself to get up early so I would be tired at a decent hour, and it worked! So everyday for the past week or so I've been increasing my goal little by little, and it gets easier to get up everyday.

I'm excited about school starting, yet I don't want to go back. I think most of us feel that way. I want to take this as an opportunity to re-invent my reputation, to no longer be seen as "quiet". Because quiet=boring. Quiet=no boyfriend. Quiet=no parties. Quiet=no life. Sure everyone likes you because you are apparently neutral, and you never piss anyone off, but that's playing it safe. It doesn't get you anywhere, you don't stand out. Everybody is nice to you, but few stick around long enough to get to know the REAL you and become your friend. So basically I'm not changing my personality, I'm just letting it surface for everyone to see, not just a select few like usual.

My normal computer got messed up somehow, and couldn't be repaired by this disk I wasted $7 on. But then my dad reminded me that we have random hard drives laying around!! So he told me to get the one that was sitting in my brothers room. It has low disk space but it has Windows XP (my old one was 98). So I have a working computer in here again, yay!

This has been an update in the life and times of me.

The day I waited for for so long. Actually I don't know how long, but pretty long. Then again a minute is pretty long if you stand still. When you sit idly and stare, minutes are slow. When you want to hold onto them, they fade away like sand through a sieve. If you want time to go quickly, act like you never want it to end. If you want it to go slowly, focus on the small details of things. Enjoy what you are doing at that moment, don't think about what you're doing next. Time is going faster and faster, and it all makes sense. People are always worrying what they are going to do next, never what they are doing here and now.

My best friend is amazing. I may not have many close friends, but it doesn't matter as long as you have that one. The one where it doesn't matter if they are the only one there, it's as great as having a house full of friends.

Septemeber 7th, 2007. 977. 20 days before I turn 16. But what is 20 days? Some scale we humans invented to measure time. And what is a year? 365 "days". If we look at it mathematically, 20 days is only 5% of a whole year, meaning I am 95% 16. Why can't I just call myself 16? If 95% of a pie is in a pan it's called a pie, not 95/100ths of a pie. We round of everything, so why not age? WHY can't I say I'm 16 now?? What do 20 days really matter in the grand scheme of things?

That is what my Trig teacher said today when someone asked a "what if" question. I laughed hysterically at it, and I obviously thought it was funny enough to make a blog about. He makes a lot of school-inappropriate jokes, it's pretty amusing. Hopefully no one tries to get him in trouble 'cause that would be sad. He's just a college boy in a man's body that knows how to teach Trig really well.

Community service at the daycare, aiyee! It's fun at times, but annoying at others. The kids, especially girls, get sooo mad when you don't give ALL your attention to them. I try to spread myself around to all of them, but this one girl favors me over everyone else, and often doesn't want anyone else to play with us so it leaves me all >_< =/. Getting home at 6 sucks though, tomorrow I actually get to go home on the bus!

My birthday is in 7 days, I will finally be 16. Two years, two short but long years away from the magic age. The main reason I want to be 18 is for personal freedom, no longer having to answer to my parents. I know I still have to obey laws and college and yada yada, but what I choose to do with my free time is soley up to me, I'll no longer have to ask to go places or rely on them for rides. I wont have to sneak around so much.

I have decided that next time I take the stupid 4Sight test, I am going to purposely mark everything wrong. I will alternate between wrong and right each time, just to throw them off, or piss them off ;). (I believe we take them 4 times a year)  'Cause let's face it, if you've taken the same test 8 times in a row and STILL can't get a decent score on it, you're a damn fool. And anybody who can't might as well drop out of highscool so we don't have their pathetic attempts at staying in school averaged in with our scores. Eff the No Child Left Behind law, it's rediculous. And expecting everyone, even the mentally challegened to get the SAME grade or better. Once again, I am sooo mad I wont be able to vote in election '08.

At the end of last year I was rank 56/610 in my class. I let people (that are nice to me) copy my work when they are too lazy to, and I usually get everything right, a mistake here and there. Sometimes I do it just to get things moving along because I'm tired of them sitting there forever going "Hmmmm I don't get this." It's a minor annoyance sometimes, but overall I have no problem with doing that. (Although I was kinda mad when this other girl that barely talks to me asked me for the answers to the English homework) Copy me all you want, it'll only get you so far. But when you proceed to ask me if I do drugs and judge me, that's where we have a problem. Who got a 95 on the test when you got 80's? ME. Therefore I don't think that's relavant. I don't think you have a right to turn your nose up at me when you've done it yourself before and bragged that you can drink 10 shots, and don't have any common damn sense. I hope I do fry some brain cells so maybe I can get down to the level of most people of my generation, 'cause I feel like I'm 40 half the time. I can't even relate. And afterall, what can I and a small amount of others do? Can we REALLY save Generation X?

He has been called "The Real Republican". Today the word "republican" means conservative bastard. That was not the original definition or purpose. Ron Paul supports state's rights and wants to limit the government. He wants to put more power in the people's hands. Here's a fact sheet that is on many sites about him:

The Ron Paul FREEDOM PRINCIPLES

He's smart to run as a Republican when he is obviously a Libertarian. If he were to run for that party he would have no chance of winning. They are already skewing poll results claiming that he only has 1% of votes, when really he's won all but one of the Republican presidential debates. They tried to say that it was a small group of people voting over and over, but they can't deny it anymore. And as we all know very well in this country, the more you try to supress something the more we want it. I will only be 17 when the 2008 Election goes on. So instead I'm going to try to get all the people I know who are or will be 18 to support Ron Paul and REGISTER TO VOTE! Reaching adulthood means you have a say now, so take advantage of it. I'm gonna be one of those people who votes on everything. I want to make sure I am counted. Let's commence the revolution.

And actually I can say for once that I do feel different. But I don't think it began yesterday. I am free now. I don't think anybody sees me as quiet anymore. Sure they'll be times when I don't have anything to say, but I'm not mute anymore. I'm not so worried about people judging me. I did it.

He still loves me, I still love him. But we can't be, at least not now. That would require delving into places where I'm not ready to go, where I so foolishly went (or attempted to) last time, knowing this. I became powerless and unstable. We don't need a title anyway. Love doesn't need a title, it just is. It's there whether you say it or not, whether you admit it or not. I tried to lie to myself all that time, but there's no hiding now. I made the right choice to end it when I did though, I had to. I was like Voldemort in his final hour, 1/8th of myself. (you like that Harry Potter allusion, eh? =P) I had to seperate and become whole, become my own person, not just feed off of him like a parasite. But the connection never left. It's there everytime we see eachother, and we both knew it. He wrote me this poem, and I wrote a response telling him what I wrote here just now. Damn we've come a long way...

If you've ever seen the move Friday, I'm dealing with a dude that is like Smokey. Dipping in his own supply, tsk tsk tsk.

Tomorrow I am going to Red Lobster with my family and getting the rest of my gifts :D. I get to see my cousins which is awesome. They have THE best chocolate cake. I can't wait!

So Red Lobster was awesome. My family loves me. Sometimes I feel overlooked, underrated. But they love me. On my actual b-day I got 3 shirts & a skirt, 5 or 6 pairs of earrings, a necklace, and My Sims for DS. That was just a teaser. Today I got a coat from Baby Phat, $140, a Sirius Radio, bath & body stuff, 2 sweaters, and the NEW IPOD NANO!!! That new 4G one they have commercials for right now. I'm listening to it right now. I can't wait till my dad hooks up my satellite radio =D.

The Ron Paul campaign has raised over 1 million dollars in less than 4 days!!! Go to RonPaul2008.com

The revolution is happening. They can't lie in the polls any longer. They were trying to say he was only polling 1%. That's a huge lie! That's the problem right there, they don't want him there because he wants to LIMIT the government's power, he wants the individual to make their own decisions about how they live.

I'm in love. I always was, but for a while I tried to escape it. I tried to convince myself it didn't apply anymore. But it doesn't work that way, it doesn't just disappear 'cause you want it to. And like I said in my last entry,m who needs a title?? We both know it, so that's all that matters. We're 16, now's not the time for serious relationships. Now's the time for flirting and fun. But we know. The others don't matter in the long run. It's all about us. 

I can't make up my mind. I keep changing it. I don't know what I should do, what I really want. If I try again, I risk the same thing happening over again. If I wait, I'm stalling. Risking loosing him to someone else. He may get tired of waiting. I would. We are going to talk tonight about how we both feel about things and what we should do from here. If we got back together, things would have to be different then they were before, our first attempt was not very successful. They say if at first you don't succeed, try try again. Maybe if our relationship was actually happy & healthy this time, I wouldn't think about other guys or cling to minutes with him like they were my last on earth. I don't know. I guess only time will tell.

My suspicions have raised. I don't know, maybe I'm reaching, but it seems too--open. I need to find out. They say anything is possible. I believe it. That would be very intereseting...

Anyways, me and my friend went to the mall today. Before that it was a big song and dace as usual even though my mom is always complaining that I never go out with my friends. It always turns out fun though, we had a good time. Now I feel very lively & energetic. I love when I can just hang out with my freinds without anybody watching me (parents, adults). I feel so free, it's a taste of what life is like. I know they sayh you shouldn't be in a hurry to grow up, but I want to be 18 really badly. Mainly so I can be responsible for my own actions and not have to answer to anyone. If I get in trouble, it's on me. If someone calls me and says let's go to the mall in an hour (like today, we got there late though of course), then I can quickly get myself ready and leave right away without having to worry about getting a ride from someone.

I really oughta read my book for English, I'm behind. I'll devote some hours to it tomorrow, then hopefully go out again tomorrow with someone, anyone. I need to start building a social life, it's part of the system, my goal to reinvent myself.

I haven't changed my blog layout for a helluva long time, and I don't really plan to. I just don't feel like it. If I did change it, it would probably be Three 6 Mafia. So if anyone's tired of seeing this Bob Marley theme, just imagine a Three 6 Mafia theme. :P

Life is pretty good right now.

I finished the book One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest for English class, and I must admit the ending was a bit shocking. I totally thought they were going to have a mass break-out from the assylum. At least one person broke out.

Yesterday I actually spent $20 at the store. I bought crab cakes, a platter of shrimp, chocolate turtles, a bar of 85% cocoa chocolate, and a Warheads sour spray candy, plus 2 chipotle wraps, a large fry, and a sweet tea from McDonalds. Which makes it about $26. One thing about me is I don't like spending my money. But I just said "Ah, the hell with it" and did it anyway, and I was happy about it. It also serves as a distraction from the other money I'm missing that cannot be explained (to my parents at least). I bought a decent quantity of good quality items, so it wont look so funny when I say I only have x amount of dollars left over.

I'm not religious at all, but sometimes I can't help but think I have a guardian angel watching over me. Whenever I'm in a tight spot, something happens to save me. And even when seemingly bad things happen to me, they are always for a good reason in the long run. I guess it's fate. But what is fate anyway?

Every year when my mom goes into open house the teachers always say that I'm quiet. This annoys me because I am usually the person that participates the most in class. They mean they don't see me innecessantly chatting with people everytime they turn around, or acting stupid. They don't like that either. I am not a loner, and I do answer a lot of questions in class. In general though, I'm a pretty chill, laid back person. I may act silly and loud sometimes, but for the most part that's just not me. I only talk if I have something to talk about, I don't believe in idle chatter. I wont sit there and "shoot the shit" just for the sake of talking. I just hate how they make it seem like I just sit there and don't say anything. At least they always say I'm doing good though.

It's just the way I am. I'm not shy, I'm not "in a shell". I'm a daydreamer intellectual type. I don't need to be flapping my mouth all day long. I crack jokes and stuff, but that is what I mean, that's wit. It's not just talking continuously about absolutely nothing.

Last week in English we had to write this essay for the whole state standard thingy, and the prompt was "Write about someone who is/will be remembered in history." (for good or bad reasons) I picked George Bush. My teacher thought mine was really good, got a 97. She just told me today. I'm gonna type it up and put it on here in a little while or tomorrow.

If anyone's heard about that staph bacteria that is resistant to antibiotics, then you know it's very scary. I hate thinking about it. It makes me feel this mix between fear, sickness, and sadness. It reminds me of the first time I heard about it in 9th grade, it made my stomach twist around. You can get it from anywhere, and anyone can get it. And it can kill you. And if you get this strain it's pretty much a death sentence. The only way to prevent it is the normal things of washing your hands and not sharing eating utensils, makeup, etc with other people. But that doesn't mean you wont get it. They say it's more widespread then AIDS! See with that you can easily prevent it: don't share needles, don't have unprotected sex. I dont have to worry about either of those things. But this staph, you can touch someone and it crawls into you and you get it. And it can look like nothing at first, a pimple or boil that doesn't heal. That's also a symptom of skin cancer. It sounds crazy, but I'd rather find out I had skin cancer then MRSA because at least I know it's treatable. I was actually crying today when I read the symptoms and how easy it is to pick it up. :/ :(

Last night was Homecoming at my school. I also went to my aunt's baby shower before that, it was nice. Back to the dance. So I didn't "go with anyone", I met up with people. Lemme give you a little background on the two most important non-family people in my life. My best friend, my ex, and I were once good friends. Something happened between the end of my freshman year to the middle of sophomore that made the two of them dislike eacother more and more until they couldn't stand eachother at all. I remained close to both of them. But I could not shake the feeling that I had to choose between them. I didn't like feeling that way. But it was annoying. Each thought the other was talking about them. They made fun of eachother. Pointless crap for a reason I don't even know. They stopped mentioning eachother, but they still didn't get along or talk at all. So recently I thought, "I am gonna get these fuckers to at least be civil with eachother". So there were 2 options floating around in my head: 1) Get them together in some social event to break the tension or 2) Pop a bottle of Hennessey. Lucky for them, Option 1 took place last night. They made up & we had an awesome time. And once again I say, over a year later but still rings true, I can't see myself ever getting closer to any other guy. It's unfathomable. We were meant to be. It's amazing how we sprung back. And I actually thought I was done with him forever. I thought that simply ending the relationship would somehow end all the memories we shared, switch off the feelings, blow the imbreakable fuse that holds our connection in every way. It's not just a love connection, it's a human connection. I can talk to him like I talk to no one else. You can feel it resonate through the air as you watch us communicate with eachother, observe how we know just what the other is thinking just from the look on our faces, the tone of our voices, or just plain intuition. And I thought something like that could be destroyed by breaking up, even though it was ignited long before we saw eacother in an intimate way. He was different, I could tell. He was deep. And now I undeerstand why that word is the opposite of shallow. He was a very "full" person, an intellectual, not just another afraid-of-my-identity-and-looking-foolish-in-front-of-my-friends average kid. Not to say he wasn't immature like boys are, but he was definitely different. He cared about the world he lived in and was concious of what he was doing, not just drifting along only concerned about the day they're in. I was like that too. We talked about things I've never talked about with anyone else, because no one cared. No one "got" me. He does. And I get him. Our first attempt at a relationship was not the best, but we've got all the time we're here to work on that. It doesn't mean we love eachother any less. Besides, how many people do things perfect on their first try anyway?

(If this reads like ramble, forgive me. For I am engaged in the illegal feeling. The one the government does not want you to know of, and should be hidden from no one)

I'm staying up till 2:00AM (or 1:00AM actually =P) so I can watch the clock go from 1:59:59 back to 1:00. This will fascinate me because it's almost like going back in time. If they did it during the day, or if you stay up beyond that, you are re-living an hour of your life in a different way. One hour from now it will be 1:33AM AGAIN. That's pretty crazy if you think about it. But who thinks about it? Me, that's who. :P

People just reset thier clocks back and say they are "gaining an hour". But you really only gain an hour of sleep if you go to bed when the clock reads an hour before your usual bed time, which is the time your body is used to. No one does that though, if you go to bed at 10, you're still going to go to bed when that clock says 10, not 9. So you don't gain anything, it's exactly the same.

But it's the only time in the year where time is theoretically reset. It makes you (or at least me) wonder how they keep track of time, and whether or not it's accurate, and accurate to what? But I'll make a whole entry about that sometime.

Well I can't be ripped in half. I can't choose between them. Well actually I can, but it would sound rude. I've already attempted to explain how I feel about him in words. With the help of Mary Jane, I did rather well =P. So it's obvious who is more important to me in my life in the grand scheme of things. It's only truth. I love him as a human being, not just a "friend". He really matters in my life.

Jesus Christos & Medio! (yes, I said Jesus Christ and a half =P) Why can't I ever recognize toxic forces in my life sooner? I always try to sugar-coat everything because I don't like drama, tension, etc. But by masking the negativity instead of eliminating it, I'm just keeping it around longer and letting it grow and fester.

I am not here to fullfill someone's lustfull desires. If you really care about someone, you don't try to control and manipulate them, you respect who they are as a person. You give your opinion & advice, but ultimately you let them make their own decisions. You accept them for who they are and you don't try to change them. If you don't do these things, you don't love or care about a person. And I'm talking in general: friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. If you do the opposite, you are using that person to acheive something for your own desires. And that's wrong, especially when you call that person a friend. My mother & grandmother are always right. My grandmother told me that if she didn't stop the advances then she was not a real friend. And it proved true. But I didn't listen to her, I just let it go, accepted it. Because I am an accepting person, and I don't like to judge people, no matter what disgusting or shameful things they do or have done. But she was right: She was never my real friend. A real friend would not try to control my life and turn me into something I'm not and will never be. A real friend would consider my feelings and my happiness, not just their own.

I was a dupe, a fool, a pawn. But now I am liberated. I didn't recognize what she's been trying to do from the start--destroy my precious relationship with someone who REALLY loves me. Out of jealousy. Out of pure lust, infatuation, maybe even obsession. I knew it was the end when she uttered that gross, selfish, question, "Who's more important?". I could see if he was some guy I had met recently and just started dating. I could see if the only thing we had was intimate relations. Then, that statement may be justified. I replied with, "That's like choosing between your mother and your father, your sister and your brother." And she just laughed, and said her mom. She LAUGHED! Given, I know some people don't have great relationships with certain family members, but it's just the concept of choosing one person you care about over another, it's sick. You don't do that. By saying that she was suggesting that I am choosing "a guy" over a best friend. The "dick" over my "chick" if you will. But what she must understand is, I've known her for 2 years, I've known him for nearly 5. We dated for over a year. I only shared a fraction of what I shared with him than her. He knows me inside out. We adopted characteristics of eachother and learned from eachother to make ourselves better, more mature individuals. She was just a female friend of mine. Comparing the two of them is like comparing a piece of jewelry passed down in your family for generations with one your "best friend" gave you, and asking you which one you would grab in a fire if you could only take one. Which one do you THINK I'm gonna pick?

Who's more important? I think that speaks for itself.

When you met us we were a team, and as you leave us, we are a team. You failed, your efforts were wasted. All you did was give us more life experience and bring us closer then ever.

That's a good show. Comes on Cartoon Network on Friday nights at 7:30.

It's so weird & crazy, & awesome! I love it.

It's about this (uhh my little brother says he's a racoon so we'll go with that) who wants to learn how to be a good cook so he's living with this chef guy and his wife. Chowder is a kid, and he always ends up messing something up which causes the action of each episode.

Everyone wants to feel loved and/or needed, appreciated. When it all boils down, the reason I ended the relationship was because I wasn't feeling that.

----->This is a tad irrelavent, but my grandmother is a man-hater and doesn't think I should talk to him, but she only knows what I told her. We were 14 years old. How the HELL do you expect 14 year olds to know how to maintain such an adult relationship? Even now at 16, though I think we have both grown up majorly from them. She acts as though it was all his fault, like I was not wrong too. You can't be one-sided when feelings are involved, people tend to exaggerate things and put stories in their favor when they are emotional.

But now, he makes it very evident to me, and I like that. A lot. I wont go into specifics, just one anecdote.

Yesterday I came into school from the bus and saw him, so I started walking with him since I didn't need to go to my locker. I was going on an all-day field trip to a County Chorus festival at another school. We talked and he walked me to the chorus room door where I had to be, even though his class was in the opposite direction.

Me and the other 7 girls went in and ate bagels and orange juice provided by our teacher. We got on the bus and headed for the school. It didn't take too long. The director of the thing was nice, but wanted quality work from us, which we gave. There were people from several schools in our area. We arrived there around 8:30AM, the concert ended at 8:30PM, making it 12 hours I was there. It was a looooong day. He had us standing for long amounts of time while we rehearsed our music. We had to do some parts over and over until we got them how he wanted them. We had a few 20-minute breaks which included complimentary snakcs and drinks. The school was big. They had automatic flushing toilets, and in the chorus room the table part of the desk folded out. We got lunch and dinner which was also free, and the food was really good. I chilled with the other 3 altos most of the time. At one point we were sitting in the entrance of the auditorium, then one of the girls looked over and everyone was stood on the risers! So we quickly ran over there and got our places LOL! We got dressed in our outfits and had a warm up thing before the concert. I got as much sit-down time as I could since I didn't know how long the concert would be and consequently how long we would be standing, and my shoes had a medium heel on them. We ended up sounding great. The soloists they picked were really good. Big collection of the best talent in many schools results in good end product =). It was a good life experience, but I will not do it again just due to how much time it took. I am glad that I did it though. The thing is, after my long day of singing, standing, meeting new people, getting to know ones I previously did, eating good FREE food and snacks, and performing a concert, the highlight of my day was when he walked me to the door. 

So today I went into Spencer's. We all know how interesting that store can be XD. I saw this little notepad thing with the coolest sentence ever written. Above a coffee cup it says "I'll have a mocha-vodka-marijuana latte to go please." I thought it was really funny & awesome, so after we walked around the mall and ate, I went back and bought it. :D

I also bought this keychain thing from FYE that has 6 different Super Mario Bros sound effects. I can't wait to bring it into school & play one at a funny time.

I don't think I've ever felt so many emotions in one single day. It physically, mentally, and emotionally drained me. It was a bit of a rollercoaster. I couldn't even eat dinner tonight because I was stress-sick. My dad seems to be the calmer one in this situation. He doesn't randomly flip out on me. He doesn't try to make me feel like shit for what I did. Everyone fucks up royally from time to time in their lives, especially when they are teenagers. Well here's mine. I'm not perfect. I may have gave off that illusion for all these years that I was, but I'm not. I'm just as corrupt as anyone else.

But something good came out of this day. I realized that I have 2 people in my life who really care about me. They made me feel better today, and they make me feel like never doing it again because I don't need to. I'm interesting and weird enough. My life is already so full, I don't need any extra stimulation from drugs.

He comforted me, he told me that there isn't anything wrong with me, and that I can fight temptation if I try hard enough, and that I do mean something. And he did this without making me feel like scum. And if there's any reason to never do it again, it's the fact that I have him in my life. He gives me more joy, happiness, entertainment, than any substance can. He is the one factor in my life that can change my thought process for good.

And guess who's not single anymore.

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/debates/scorecard/youtube.debate.112807/results.html

Ron Paul is winning in every category except "Who had the most disappointing performance at the debate?"

Rudi Giuliani took that one :P. I think it should really go to Mitt Romney though.

Every once in a while I get into a philosophical mood and type up these things that no one reads :P. At least they are recorded and stored though for later reference. I'm doing 2 today, here's the first. 

Guns. Cigarettes. Alcohol. Knives. Tasers. Bull riding. Racecar driving. All things that can harm you and/or be dangerous if in the wrong hands, yet all which are perfectly legal. Where do we draw the line between doing something legal that can be damaging, and drugs? What makes it different?

You can say addiction. Well cigarettes and alcohol cause addiction. They kill thousands of people a year. But yet they are not illegal because not EVERYONE gets addicted. Most people don't drink everyday, or even every weekend. There are some out there who only smoke in social settings. But are these not potentially harmful substances? If you smoke or drink it is not socially unacceptable. Most people do not classify you as a "bad" person. But if you do drugs, call the police. You are scum of the earth and need to be locked up in a cell. Heaven forbid you alter your conciousness by a means that the government does not endorse. Even if you're not hurting anyone or causing any trouble. Which brings me to my next topic: Recreational drug use.

I define it as using them for one sole reason: Enjoyment. Not to relieve stress, not to cope with anything, not because someone else wants you to, or to fit in with a group. Purely because you like it. And in moderation of course, meaning that if it were taken away from you for an extended period of time, you would be mad but your life would still go on. You don't need it, but you want it because it is there. If you use drugs for any other purpose than that, or you would not be able to stop if you abolutely had to, then you are an abuser or an addict, not a recreational user as I am describing.

What about health? Let me tell you something about the human body. It is designed and continues to evolve to eliminate toxins and protect itself from damage. This is why you don't die if you inhale fumes for a short amount of time, or how we can stand to eat food with all the chemicals and preservatives. The things they put in food nowadays is rediculous, but that's another issue, you can go research that on your own. Bottom line is, we do a ton of things that are more unhealthy for our bodies than drugs, such as allowing yourself to become 400 pounds, working in an environment with unclean air, not doing a lick of exercise, or having unprotected sex. Yet these things are not persecuted.

I'm a firm believer in "Do what makes you happy as long as you're not hurting anyone else." Why must you scrutinize people who do things YOU don't agree with? Is what they do affecting your progress in life? Are they putting you in danger? Does what they do affect your life in any way? If the answer is no, then you need to mind your business. I'm speaking in general, this can go for anything, like homosexuality for example. People are too involved in others' endeavors. No one worries about what they are doing, always someone else.

So when you take out addiction, health, and harm to others, how are drugs bad? If a person who is not causing any trouble, not an addict, healthy, and being productive in society, how are they wrong for using drugs recreationally? Why is it immoral to alter your consiousness? No one can answer this because they always vomit up one of those other reasons and skip over the main question. We are not talking about a drug addict bum gunman, we are talking about ordinary people, ones who you would never suspect because they lead a perfectly "normal" life. Now tell me how it's bad? If I'm not driving, or OD'ing, or doing it every day, how is there something wrong with that?

I challenge anyone to give me a reason why it is wrong to take drugs without saying that you coud become an addict, hurt someone, or that it's unhealthy. I bet you can't. I bet you'll try, and STILL you will end up with "So and so did drugs and they ruined their life." What about people who don't? I am not saying that it is not potentially harmful, all I'm saying is that it is not wrong, it does not make you an evil or sick person.

We live in a time where anti-depressants are prescribed off the wall, political correctness runs rampant, and teenage killings are frequent. Why? It's simple, the powers that be are oversensitizing not only the youth, but the whole population.

My mother grew up poor in the projects, and was raised almost soley by her mother. Many of her friends were in the same situation, or their parents were divorced, or they were plain unfit and they had to raise themselves and their siblings. The ones that did have parents got a whipping when they did something wrong. All of them turned out fine.

Today if a child is under the same circumstances, they are put on meds, or may kill themselves. If you spank your child, you could get arrested for abuse, it is encouraged for kids to call the police or Child Protective Services if they get hit.

Yes some kids have it rough, but never before has it ever had such a drastic effect. The sad thing is, most kids DON'T have it that rough, especially people I know. Most kids don't have to worry about the kind of things our parents and grandparents had to worry about, yet they are more weak and fragile then ever.

In my school district there are so many different support & counseling groups. There is now Teen Screen. If you've never heard of it, it's a voluntary thing where they evaluate you for mental illness. They are inventing disorders in order to place you on a medication. They are trying to make you think that if you are experiencing any sort of difficulty in your life, that there is something wrong with you and you need help. Someone calling you a bad name or rejecting you is now grounds to cut yourself, throw up your food, or become clinically depressed. It was not always like this. People are offended by things like "Merry Christmas" or the word "God" in the pledge of allegiance. I'm agnostic and I don't even care!

Young kids and teenagers complain and walk around like they have the worst life ever. You would think they were 45 rather then 15. Everything is so dramatized and major. Happiness is taboo. There is no reason a teenager should be miserable all the time. Kids used to go to WAR, and today's youth fall apart because their boyfriend or girlfriend dumped them, or their parents got a divorce. This behavior is being endorsed. Let's tell these kids that they are depressed and make them think they should take offense to everything. Yeah, that's a way to strengthen the nation. Why wasn't "depression" so prevalent until now? In the past when kids were bullied, they grew up and strived for greatness, beauty, whatever they got made fun of for, and rubbed in the faces of those who picked on them. Today if a kid is bullied, he may bring a gun to school and blow them away. By making every little bump in the road a huge deal, we are weakening the population.

If this continues, our generation stands no chance. If we can't deal with the ups and downs of life without medication, how will we procreate? How will we evolve? If we try to make this pretty little world where we must consider whether or not it offends someone, how can we still have freedom of speech? The sensitivity push is damaging to American society. Life is not all sugar and rainbows, there will always be hard times. Instead of encouraging youth to tough it out and make the best of it, we are telling them to give up. Some give up by going to a psychiatrist, others by suicide. Psychiatrists are for people with REAL problems, people with schizophrenia, bi-polar, rapists and the raped, pedophiles and their victims, murderers, the abused and assaulted. You are not sick because you had a bad day, or even a bad week. There is nothing wrong with being sad when someone rejects you or ridicules you. But these common events should not cut so deep that it impedes your progress in life. It is unhealthy.

We just don't know when to learn from past mistakes and change, and when to apply "If it aint broke don't fix it." This is a case of the latter. We have been enduring the same problems for years, and our adults have turned out alright. People didn't tie a rope around their necks when times got hard. Let us not stop social evolution.

So what's wrong with that?

I was watching Futurama last night, and I saw Bender's head inside of this toy car, that's how I got the idea. It was hilarious! My mom keeps asking me waht I want since I couldn't really give her a list, because I can't think of anything I want besides a waterbed which is $1,000, and antiques which are also very expensive. I told her to get me one of those make-up doll heads and attach it to a remote control car and get me that for Christmas. She said, "No. That's retarded." SO WHAT? It's easy to find & cheap, and it will make me happy. SO who cares how dumb it is? She said, "Why don't you ask for something normal". Hmm, because I aint exactly a normal kinda person. You could by me "normal" things teenage girls would want and see me be all "uhhh ok. thanks." on X-mas day, or you could get me my "stupid" stuff, and see me be all :D.

But really, people judge too much. They call you crazy or weird if you don't follow the status quo. They try to make you think you must be ill. They almost convinced me. They had me going for a while, thinking that "something must be wrong with me because I don't think like everyone else". What ever happened to personality? Everyone says they are unique, but the meaning of that word has been lost.

So it's 2008, clean slate. And already, deep confusion. Mixed feelings. On everything. I think of all the fun I could be having if I never got in trouble, but of course some of that fun would have been doing the very thing that got me into the situation, so doesn't that make it somewhat inevitable?

Then I think of my boyfriend, how sometimes I feel like I want to be with him for an infinite amount of time, and others I feel like I want to go out and date a bunch of guys. Especially when all these older guys are interested. Hardly any guys my age ever like me, only older ones. And they are always nicer too. I'm not talking way older, I mean 3-5 years. If all it takes is 12 days for my mind to stray, am I really capable of commitment?

And my family life. Should I continue to try to be the perfect child my mother is always barking about, or just do what I want and not care what she thinks? The latter would only make life more difficult in these last 2 years, but the first doesn't make it much simpler. No matter what, there's always something wrong, always something missing, always something to complain about. Am I doing it all in vain?

2 years, that's all I have. That concept excites me greatly, but also makes me nervous. I can't wait to live alone, finally. No more parents, no more brothers, no more having to ask to go anywhere or do anything. But then I think, "Am I ready for the real world?" And it's not like I have a lot of time to think about that. Years go by quicker and quicker. 2 years is nothing. Hell, I'll be a senior in highschool before 2008 closes. Will I even HAVE any free time to myself, or will it be spent on school work and a job? Will it really be any better?

Will living alone really be as great as I think it will?

Questions. Doubts. Anxieties. That's all I have. I'm a positive person and try to live in the moment, but living in the moment wont prepare you for future, or will it?

So the other day in the morning, I got on the computer and checked my e-mail. I got a newsletter from Nintendo about a new game for the Wii called Endless Ocean. So I clicked on it, and there I saw the most original, awesome idea for a video game I've ever seen. www.endlessocean.com go there.

Basically all you do is dive underwater and explore. You can photograph them and train dolphins to come with you, but there really isn't anything to "beat" in the game. And no, none of the animals hurt you, not even the sharks. Everyone I've told about this game said it sounded boring or stupid because there's no action or mission to accomplish. There doesn't need to be! It's meant to be relaxing. We don't have a Wii yet, but we will be getting one. That will so be the first game I get, even before any Mario.

Girl in my foods class: "What's a minority?"

My foods teacher to another person: "What are you doing on Monday for President's Day?"

Yes, these two rediculously uneducated utterances were heard by me today, within a half hour of eachother.

The teacher's old, but come on, you have to know that Monday is Martin Luther King day, and that President's Day is all the way in February. Sad.

But that other girl is really starting to piss me off. She always has a snide remark to me, but she's dumb as a doorknob! Like today I got a test back that I got a 95 on, and I simply said, "That's kinda dumb that she would take off a point for a grammar error, this isn't English class." Real calm, in a laughing sort of way, not that I really cared. Well she replies, "I hate when people complain when they get 95's!" Blah blah blah blah-dee blah. I said "I'm not complaining, I'm happy with my grade, hell no I aint mad" or something like that. But anyway, the bitch is annoying. Another time, she was complaining that she had to clean the whole kitchen, when meanwhile I helped her, and for almost EVERY SINGLE food lab, I wash the dishes, because none of their lazy asses will, and I actually want to get to my next class on time so I pick up the slack. The one day when I decide I'm not doing it, she gets allllll pissy. And also today, this guy in my class said something about the "wheel barrel" sex position. He described it, and she went, "Is that real or did you make that up?" I said, "Yeah, that's real. I've heard of it before." She replies, "Well thank you Jasmine, what do YOU do in your free time." or something to that affect. I should have said, "I'm a virgin thankyouverymuch." But I didn't even bother, it's pointless. It's called Cosmo magazine and having a porn addict boyfriend, dumbass.  I liked her at first, but then I started to see what an airhead she was. She keeps talking about how she's moving in February, I wish she'd move now. What I can't stand most about her though is how she will criticize me and make nasty remarks, yet she is a dumb bimbo who doesn't know what a fuckin minority is!

Haha I went off into a rant about that dumb girl when that wasn't the point at all. The point was that people are sooo blissfully ignorant these days. I bet she wouldn't have confused it if it were Columbus Day, oh boy let's not start on that one, let's celebrate a man who invaded Native American territory and raped their women and claimed it as his, how American. But let's totally forget about Martin Luther King, one of the most influential figures in the Civil Rights Movement.

It's not just a race thing, it's a morality thing.

Today my boyfriend informed me that one of my girl friends was making a pass at him. She's flirty by nature so I generally ignore that, but she reportedly said "You know you like me. You love Jasmine but you like me." & "Are you blowing me a kiss because I'm about to blow you one back." (This was on the phone)

But I wont say anything, not now. I don't want drama, it's not even worth it. He doesn't have any intrest in her, we both know how she is. That's what happens when you befriend a slut.

But you have to like somebody, right? Someone doesn't have to be perfect in order to associate with them. She's not important to me in the grand scheme of life. If she goes too far I'll say something, maybe. Or maybe I'll just stop talking to her and let her figure it out...

So yeah I'm in the school musical (yes, I actually made it this time!) and yesterday we had a practice from 9:30AM-4:30PM with an hour lunch break in between. I thought it was going to be incredibly long and rob my Saturday, but it wasn't long at all! And I wouldn't have been doing anything anyway, plus I got to spend lots of time with my boyfriend which is always great. I always disliked extracurricular activities because I felt they robbed my time, but I actually enjoy this. It's fun, it's something I look forward to now. Also, colleges look for that kind of thing, I even asked our student teacher for History. He let us ask questions about college in general, and one of mine was "Besides good grades, what do colleges look for when accepting people?" He said activities and other things you have done, he said they want to know that you will add to their campus and not just take up space.

After practice I went and got some Puma's, woot!

Then I went to Perkin's & had the tasty soda that is Mellow Yellow, yee!

Then later...Falling...falling...falling...51 days..7 weeks & 2 days..Nearly two months..Longest since it all began, back in the fall of '06..And even still, I cheated a bit. Nothing bad, but still a cheat nonetheless..But I have to make it, till the dawn of my 18th birthday, or my remaining time will be hell..

I did it though. I gave up the money, and I suggested I start a savings account to put all my money in. I didn't give in to what I really wanted. I didn't hang on to the $7 and lie, knowing 7 is only 3 shy of 10...

I made the "responsible" choice.

But the thing is, I don't feel rewarded at all. I feel empty, longing.

Because having it and loosing it is much worse than never having it at all.

I actually understand football now, YES! I watched the whole thing & paid attention. I was happy the Giants won just because the Patriots already won too many times.

It's amazing how much more interesting things can be when you know what's going on. :D

I think a lot more people would be anti-war if there was more "tell-it-like-it-is" media/education/stories about it, like the book The Things They Carried by Tim O'brien. When mainstream media talks about war, they talk about it like it's a game. It's a "good" thing if only 20 people died. But imagine if 20 people in YOUR life died? Yeah, that's kind of a big deal.

People are fucked up for life when they come home from war. They can't even look at life the same way anymore.

Read that book, it might have a profound effect on you, like it did on me.

On Yahoo Answers, someone asked a question saying "Is it ok that I masturbate to a picture of Mewtwo?", something to that effect, and posted 2 pictures of Mewtwo, yes the Pokemon. Now people often post random dumb questions on purpose, and I like to respond sarcastically to be funny. So I replied, "Well he does have a big one XD". Later I checked my e-mail and this person sent me a message. They also added me to their contacts. The message read this exactly: "yeah like mewtwo got big sexy legs! right?". I replied with "you know I was just kidding, right?" and I just checked my e-mail a few minutes ago and they said, "oh. i didin't know that! but anyway i still love mewtwo".

WTF is this world coming to. Now I'm on this person's (i think it's a boy bc they said "i'm not gay or anything" in the question details) friends list on Y!A. And unlike Myspace or Facebook and stuff like that, you can't accept or deny them, once they add you, they add you. The only thing you can do is not put them on your list, which I didn't.

This makes me not even want to create witty sarcastic answers anymore, 'cause there are freaks out there that think I'm serious.

No, I'm not talking looks, I'm talking phsyically, temperature-wise. Usually I'm cold allllll the time until it gets around June. Today I have not been cold once, and I only had on one layer of clothing. (I usually have on two, plus a sweater) It was a little warmer today at 47 degrees, but that's still cold. I even turned down the heat in my room! Am I finally cured? I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

And my Soul-venture went very well, I feel like I had new life breathed into me when I returned from Historic Bethlehem today.

That glitter of hope, it came finally, last night.

He might come with me. It's not just a pipe dream anymore. It was mentioned.

And it is day 2 of no coldness =)

Some girl I thought was my friend, only knew her 2 months, was tellingy lies to my boyfriend about me. She said that I told her, or hinted to her that I only wanted to be friends and that I am not ready to..."do" certain things, and get this, that I wasn't "brave enough" to tell him. I told her nothing of the sort. She also said that "maybe it's time to move on". I was very disappointed that another girl who I was becoming very close with was also in this conversation. She wasn't the main one saying it, but she was still in agreement so it's just as bad. I guess I'm in half denial when it comes to her, because I don't want to think that she would do that to me.

Why do people, girls, intend on trying to break us up? Don't you get that it never works?  Apparently she's been saying this crap all week. He admitted that he did believe them at the time, but he came and asked me about it and we cleared everything up. And guess what happened after that? We got even closer, once again. We talked on the phone last night for 2 1/2 hours. All it did was further strengthen something that was already unbreakable.  

Why do they insist on trying to fuck up my shit? It does not work. We are like that eternal flame, and when you try to break us up, all you're doing is throwing gas on the fire.

It's not even a matter of trust anymore, because I didn't even tell her anything, she plain made up stuff. One day she said "I didn't know you guys were going out! I never see you guys making out or anything". Next thing I know, she's trying to fill his head with lies.

Shame, shame, shame.

So I'm pretty much on top of the world right now. I wont bore you with how much I love my boyfriend and how great he is since I say that pretty much everytime I blog. All I'll say is yesterday was one of the most fun & awesome of the year, only second to the first time I went to Linden Street.

Now onto Endless Ocean.

I played that game for several hours today, found neat stuff like whales, sharks, rays, ruins, caves, an abyss, tunnels, etc. What I love about that game is that there is no urgency. They say things like "If you want to" and "Let's resume this later and do ______ now". Nothing is going anywhere, you could always go back if you missed something. Like the real ocean, you're not going to find EVERYTHING by going down there a couple times. Each time I go into one of the locations, even ones I've been to, I always find something new. The sound track is soothing, and it actually IS exctiting when you find something new. It looks sooo awesome. The abyss was crazy, could barely see anything. Then there's the Mermaid Tunnel, still haven't found the "Mermaid" or whatever the thing is. Random animals pop up on the boat too like walruses, seals, & penguins. You can ride on whales. There's always something new to do whether it's exploring a new area, looking for items or animals, photographing, or just admiring the scenery. One of the coolest games I've ever played.

And I am venturing to Linden once again on Saturday =)

Tomorrow-musical practice from 10AM-6PM

This was a good week, a very good week indeed. Lots of funny stuff. Insider: "This car is going to veer off the road and hit her because she has no gun" XD

Monday was intense though. I was temporarily removed from my happy place because of some bull crap, and I was talking/venting to my boyfriend about how everytime I get really happy, something has to fuck it up, and how no one wants to see me happy, bitch bitch wine wine ya know. We started having one of those philosophical conversations, and somehow got to the topic of death, something that has always upset me. At one point I just stopped talking and said, "I'll be right back". I went to the bathroom so I could get myself together and not start crying like I did in Perkins when me & my grandmother were talking about it that one day. I came out, and he was up. I said, "Where did you go?" He said, " I came to check on you". So I'm all *_* and whatnot. Then we sat back down and after a long lull he said, [not exact wording, but close] "You know how you said no one wants you to be happy, well I do. You deserve to be. Even if we don't stay together after highschool I'll still think about you and wonder if you're happy." At that point I was just like =0 *_* x_x. I couldn't say anything, because no one has ever said something like that to me before in my life. I was in such awe, and amazement, and adoration, and every other emotion related to those. That day was major. I may be young, but I know. This has to be the real thing. It goes beyond foolish high school romances whose problem's are masked with making out in the halls, showerings with gifts, and celebrations of 6-month anniversaries. And I knew it would be this way a long time ago, which is why I was hesitant at first. I knew this was going to be something different, something I couldn't even comprehend. Something that would make me fully vulnerable. And even after years of knowing him, I still become elated whenever I see him. And it's how I know, I definitely know.

Everytime I go there it further confirms this. And the thing is, I spent 8 1/2 years of my life so close to this place, but never knew. I found another little section of old houses today, this time on streets branching off of 8th Avenue. I once lived on 6th Avenue, but I only have one memory of the place.

When I walked on Linden and the branching streets the other day, I wanted to stay forever. I felt that same way today riding in the car on the 8th ave section.

I dream of traveling far and wide. I love warmth, and absolutely adored Florida. But the one place I'd like to call home is Bethlehem, PA. The antiquity draws me.

Maybe I'm totally and completely insane and should be locked away, but before I am, let me explain my theory.

Every so often, there are people born in this world that we as a species are not "ready" for. We may never be ready for them. They are people so pure of heart and soul, so alturistic in nature, that they offset the natural balance, hence they are not here very long.

The scary thing is, I think I've found one.

I've seen signs. Little things here and there, but still things that if things would have went slightly different, they may not be here today. And again another came. And the person (I wont reveal the gender to keep complete anonymity) still has so much zest for life, so bright and optimistic about any and everything, and it's genuine. I can tell it's genuine. That's why I worry. I worry that the reaper is on their tail.

Call me crazy if you wish, but I notice things.

Now I remember why I keep my hair in twist or twistout--because it's SIMPLE! I can get them wet, I can style them, I can do and undo them in minutes, it just works for me. My hair was straightened as a trial run in musical since the show is this weekend. For the first hour or so it looked beautiful, but now it looks like shit and I hate it. I can't do anything with it. I don't want to put heat on it everyday until the show, but I might have to so I can look half decent in public.

So all in all, fuck straight hair, I like mine nappy, it's me. It exudes my simplicity & uniqueness. I want to get dreads anyhow, probably when I'm 18, but who knows, maybe sooner.

So after laying down for over an hour and not falling asleep, I decided to get back up.

So many different emotions and thoughts ran through me in that hour, as they do every night. But my last thought was quite funny.

I thought up a few minutes ago that it'd be really fun to wet a floor and kick around a bar of Lever 2000. You could have goals to kick it in. Lever 2000 is the slipperiest soap ever, so it would be so cool.

XD

The other day I filled out one of those "What would you say to 10 different people" surveys, and one of them was this guy I used to be semi-close with that started completely ignoring me & blowing me off after he found "new" friends.

At the end of his section, I put "You'll probably end up getting famous and becoming a heroin addict. No, actually cocaine is more you're style."

And surely enough, today he posted a bulletin that said, "Cocaine is extraordinary. The End."

He might have been kidding, but knowing him, probably not.

It's so funny to see the dramatic contrasts of people now vs how they were a few years ago.

A lot of girls I knew back in 9th grade who were preppy, stuck up, stick-up-their ass people now go out drinking on weekends XD.

This girl that graduated last year that I kinda idolized left me a pic comment out of no where that I was such a pretty girl". I haven't talked to her in a whiiiile. She actually cared to comment little ol' junior-in-highschool me when she's in college.

that made me happy =)

She was everything I wanted to be. She was outspoken, and nobody wanted to mess with her, so no matter what she said, everyone kept their mouths shut. She never let anyone walk all over her. She partied & was a fun and funny person to be around, but she still cared about her school work and life in general. And she's beautiful. Ah I sound so corny!

He's actually my step dad, but he's been in my life since I was 3, so he's my dad. Today when I returned from the our big VA Beach trip, my boyfriend said hi to him & whatnot, then he walked away and said "You can say bye".

I was just saying today how it's the small things in life that matter most to me.

Those are the kind of things that give me the closest thing to sober euphoria.

He basically said, "go ahead and give him a kiss, I'll walk away and give you some privacy"

And also, when I showed him the pictures from the trip, there was one when there was a giant penis drawn in the sand, and he thought it was funny.

It's times like these I wish I could have spent more time with him throughout my life...

For history class, each semester we have to read a novel dealing with the course. This class is 20th Century History, so I looked for one about Vietnam. I came across a book under historical fiction by Stephen King. "Historical fiction? Stephen King? This is the one!"

It's called Hearts In Atlantis. I've just finished part one which is about half the book, and has nothing to do with history besides the fact that it is set in the early 60s. It's science-fiction, and it's about this little boy loosing his innocence and becoming a hoodlum because of it.

Oddly enough, it reminded me of Harry Potter, only the kid gave into the evil he once fought instead of resisting it. I made a connection with it especially between the boy, Bobby, and Ted. Ted was the Sirius Black of the story. I suppose the rest of it will be about Vietnam now, I've read spoiler-free reviews.

So far this book is great, and I highly recommend it to anyone, if only for part 1. I would say more but I don't want to give the plot away.

This was through Myspace messages.

She said she has to study for 2 big tests, & I said "who needs studying anyway =P" and this was her reply:

u kno wat jasmine not evrybody is like jasmine the great who can come to skool high and not study and still get an A!!

I'm not friends with many seniors, and I'm not one myself.

So all that goes to show is that age gaps in relationships are increasing. People are dating people that are younger than them at a growing rate.

Andrew Zimmern-Now there's a character. (He hosts Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel)

It's not just the wierd gross foods he eats, but his analogies & comparisons that he makes that I watch the show for.

My classic favorite, this is what he said when eating a fish egg sac: "It's bitter like iodine" How the hell does he know what iodine tastes like?

When eating a roasted lamb's eyeball: "I can't really describe to you the texture of a roasted lamb's eyeball, but I'd say it's essence of the barnyard"

He frequently refers to things as "iron-y", "ammonious" or "ammoniated", "gamey", "mineral-y", and even copper. I love hearing the element comparisons, they're the greatest.

Today I coined his phrases "Zimmernisms". I will post more of these as I hear them on the show =D.

"You never go out with your friends, you're always in the house." "You need to make some friends" Blah blah blah blah. Know why I never go out? Because people can never MAKE IT! I'll ask people if they want to go somewhere, and no one can, or they cancel at the last minute. I know it's not always their fault, but still, I get tired of it.

They chose to move me out here to Mt. Bumblefuck where you need a car to go anywhere, so now they have to deal with me being home all the time. I didn't choose to live here. I loved Bethlehem. I hated the school I was at, but there are plenty of schools there, and I'm sure it would have got better once I got older.

But hey, can't get too upset, because I've made great friends, and maybe even met the love of my love in this goshforsaken place.

That's what it's going to be. They're going to try and keep me away from him, but it wont work.

The only thing is, now I feel guilty about always accusing him of not going anywhere with me. It's not his fault, his parents wont let him! They make up some cock-and-bull reason why he can't go somewhere, EVERY SINGLE TIME! He told them about the movies 3 weeks in advance, they said he could go, then changed their minds at the last minute.

They're going to try to have me not see him this summer. But I'll find a way...

Ok, I know I'm going to be called a disgruntled atheist or whatever, but let me explain. I'm actually agnostic, and it doesn't have much to do with the fact that the word "God" is in the phrase. It's simply annoying & superstitious. If I sneeze, I'm likely to sneeze about 5 times, and it seems so silly to keep going with that ritual "Achoo!" "Bless you." "Thank you." "Achoo!" "Bless you." "Thank you." "Achoo!" "Bless you." "Thank you."

Silly. Annoying. We don't say anything when someone coughs, or burps, or farts do we? Why must we adress a common human bodily function with a phrase? Why can't you just say nothing and continue on?

But you can't do that, because people will get offended if you don't say it. They'll say you're wishing them to Hell or something. We as a society need to get over that. You don't even know WHY you're saying it! Sure there's all kinds of myths, but the real reason you say it is because that's what you're used to.

So if someone doesn't say "God bless you" after you sneeze, don't see them as a Satanic monster from the 9th gate of Hell, see them as a person who would rather not engaged in a silly, time & breath wasting ritual.

We've all heard that cliche scnenario question, "If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only bring one thing, what would it be?" If you're asking me what I would bring, that implies that I know beforehand that I'm going to be stranded on an island, since I'm planning ahead what I'm bringing. So why would you even go? I wont have to worry about choosing a wise item if I don't go to begin with :P.

Another one that is stupid-"Would you have sex with so-and-so if they were the last person on earth? To save the species?" Two people can't save the species, unless there is mass incest. Let's say you had a boy and a girl, they'd have to do eachother to procreate, and so on. Most of the time when family members have kids together, the children come out deformed in some way. So the new human race, if they could even survive, would all be deformed and originated from one mother and father.

AHH!

So I had a good time at Hershey Park, but some people said that they get on rides when they really don't. They got on one roller coaster and called it quits. They got on some lame ones here and there, and went to the waterpark, but me and my one friend were together most of the time because we wanted to get on REAL rides. We only ended up getting on 5. Only 2 of those were rollercoasters. Unfortunately we didn't get to go on the new one, Fahrenheit, due to them opening it at 3 and us only having limited time there. It looks sooooo cool though, if you've ever played the game Thrillville, it looks exactly like one of those rides. 

You're not a rider if you get sick/dizzy on rides. You're not a hardcore rider if you don't try & hit every big ride in a park before you leave. I can only go to amusement parks with true riders or I just end up getting annoyed. I need to go there again this summer & go on Fahrenheit. I would have totally stood in that 2 hour line if we had the time.

"England and France said they would fight Hitler if he took land form Poland. Hitler did not believe them. Besides Hitler now had a new friend. Hitler's new friend was the dictator Stalin. Hitler and Stalin said that they were friends and would help eachother. In September, 1939, Hitler made war on Poland."

That is an actual excerpt from my history homeowork. Obviously, this was written for 4th or 5th graders. I'm in 11th. Hitler had a new friend? Come on now. They talk about WWII like it was a game on the playground, & Hitler was the mean bully. Yeah, they actually say "The agreement at Munich is called appeasement. (Appeasement means to give a bully something because he says he will hurt you.)"

He probably didn't read through & realize that this is not meant for our grade level. All he does is give out worksheets & show videos, that's it. He sucks at teaching, and his personality is not too great either. A typical day of his class: review of yesterday's nothingness, 1 page of notes, video clips, handouts, more video clips, then a long boring video. Everyday.

"pathetically lacking in force or effectiveness"-2nd definition of Lame.

Then end of the year draws nearer and nearer...Hasn't quite hit me yet...

Well I decided yesterday that instead of watching the boring pointless movies in History, I'm going to draw lions instead. I drew one yesterday without looking, came out half-decent. Went home and looked at pictures of them to get certain details to perfect my technique. Today as soon as a video pops on, I'm drawing a lion. It's quite fun.

This is sweet-tastic.

A girl in my one class said she hates the word "fantastic" when I told her about the whole "seriously" and "amazing" epidemic. But nobody even says fantastic anymore! I don't remember the last time I heard that in a real conversation.

867-5309.

haha, and the funny thing is, people still write their numbers (or internet chat names) on bathroom walls.

Just hope no one decides to make a song out of it!

Mary Jane is still my fav. =)

4 hours. 7:00-11:21.

I was worried for weeks about what is to come, how we'd manage, what happens next.

But once again in plain view, it's crystal clear. Everything will fall into place.

It always has, and always will, because that's the way life works.

Some things may take longer than others to resolve, but if you stand your ground & don't give up, you'll get your reward.

I'm not going to spend days & days anymore worrying about what will happen after we graduate, because I believe in us. We'll make the right choice, and even if we don't, we'll fix it.

I'm not going to spend nights crying about how I wont see him this summer. We were completely separated for a whole year, now we are closer than ever.

With 4+ hour phone calls, & 4+ years of history behind us, why should I worry?

Knowing for a fact we have Varsity Chorale next school year for the whole year, and Physics the first semester, and lunch for 3 out of the 4 quarters together, why on earth should I be worried?

There's no reason to. I have faith in our love, simple as that. As long as the love lives nothing can ever tear us apart. (I know that sounds cheesy/cliche but it's true!)

So I dreamed once again that I was in Bethlehem. But it was one of the more sinister ones. There's different types of Bethlehem dreams: nostalgic, pleasant, practical, supernatural, sinister. They often blend as more than one as well.

We went into this house, the bottom looked like me great grandmother's house, and the top floor looked like the top floor of my grandmother's house. (my great grandmother doesn't have an upstairs) They looked the same in set up, but not design or feeling. There was something eerie & unwelcoming about it. When we left, someone mentioned something about it being the home of a psychopath. We had to lock it specially when we left, and put a black bar/piece of tape over the house number.

Today I decided to look up billboard top 100 hits of 1997-2000. Added some to my iPod. Hearing them brought me back...

This weekend was slow. It probably has a lot to do with the heat, but this weekend somehow felt like a weekend of '98. Time wasn't as relavent. I didn't care what time it was, it just didn't matter. It doesn't feel like I just woke up like it usually does each day at this time. And I didn't even do anything today.

Is this a rare taste? This isn't the first one though, just the longest lasting one.

Maybe now that I can tell when it happens, I can savor it more, and maybe make it stay longer...

Well it did console me a little. In that moment when she said it, it sounded like the ultimate answer I was looking for.

I was talking to my great grandma on the phone yesterday. We got on the subject of death. She said the only thing about death she worries about is having enough insurance to cover everything so she doesn't leave her family with a ton of expenses. Then she said something that will stay with me forever. "There must be something better after death, nobody ever came back." It sounds simple enough, but it made so much sense to me. No matter how much they loved their life here on earth, they never came back. You can argue ghosts, spirits & whatnot, but that's not TRUELY coming back, and the theory is that only  people who died tragically or have unfinished business here return as ghosts. But basically, no one comes back.

It may not be the most logical explanation, but that doesn't make it any less consoling. Isn't that the basis of religion? I deal with my fear of death with panic attacks, crying, and avoiding the topic altogether. Others cope with theirs by clinging to relgion, devoting themselves to a god that they hope with everything inside of them exists.

Her theory is as valid as anyone else's when it comes to this, because no one really knows. Nobody ever comes back.

I would have talked to him the whole time like usual instead of playing Rock Band if I knew that was the last time I'd see him in school.

He got away with everything else, but even he is not that good.

I foolishly assumed I'd see him up to the last day of school, that's when I'd get his number. Shoulda woulda coulda.

 I could ask his brother, but it'll be weird since I don't really talk to him, & plus I doubt he'll even be allowed to talk on the phone after that.

It just makes me sad. I know it's his fault, but still.

He was going to go to college to major in biology. We got free books on genetics at the library a few days ago. Just the other day I was sitting there listening to Lil Wayne with him. Who knows what's gonna happen now.

I feel a little pathetic, but I don't care. One dumb decision, that's all it took.

It makes me feel once again that I'm taking life's experiences for granted. I'm not cherishing certain people & things like I should. But then again, how could I anymore than I already do? Everything is bound to end.

It makes me wonder what's wrong with the guys! I can understand how a young, insecure girl would want to cling to an older guy, but doesn't that make the guy a perv/pedophile? What makes you think he's not looking at other young girls if he liked you? A 16 year old and a 20 year old should not be together, plain and simple. It's not right. WHY can't a 20 year old find a girlfriend his own age? Are you that socially inept that you must rob the cradle? And it's happening A LOT!

I remember when I was 14 some 19 going on 20 year old liked me. I just though, "why???". He wasn't the most attractive dude in the world, but even he could find someone. He did. But before that he did like a lot of underage girls.  I say guys because I don't see too many teenage boys with girlfriends 20 or over.

There's one guy I know that when he was 18 he dated a 13 year old! That's just sick. Creepy.

They're letting these old bastards prey on their youth & insecurity.

Since I'm shredding old journals & whatnot, I thought I'd immortalize some poems I feel are worth doing so.

5/6/08 (untitled)

There she goes diluting time again

There she foes, drifting off to that other world again

She knows it's temporary

She knows it aint right

But she can't seem to stay away

Time doesn't pass in neverland

It stands still, or maybe morphs into a dream

A haze of forgotten memories soon recalled when she hears her name

The girl that told her she'd be alright

She hit the reset button

The only trouble is wanting to hit it again and again

The haze, so fresh and soothing

Leaving a clean slate afterwards

But who wants to go on when you can just refresh again?

She's not a junkie

She just loves how it feels to be here and gone at the same time

Yesterday so sweet it brought sickness

But the sickness was none too bad

Sure beats any bug she'd ever had

And she'll always remember

When that girl told her she'd be alright

And it's fucked up.

But that's ok, 'cause we have an alliance.

I just feel bad, because we're not even blood related, she turned his own blood against him, whether she'll admit it or not.

They say blood is thicker than water, well I guess independent thought, or lack thereof, is thicker than blood.

It's sick. But it's all good.

So it is day 2 of my extended outing, and it already feels like I've been here much longer.

Yesterday was spent mostly in Bethlehem =).  Got to see all my lovely Victorianness.

Some of my family history was unveiled to me by my great grandmother.

I also talked to my boyfriend for 4 hours.

For the 1st half of today I was home alone, and I liked it like I thought I would. My grandma decided to come

back and take me down here to the library with her since she'll be here for a while.

But yes, time moves slower, even though everything is always moving. Allentown and Bethlehem don't just go to sleep at night, they keep going. Yet it feels like a week might have elapsed in these 2 days, no drugs involved. =P

So today I returned for my friend's party, and I'll be here until tomorrow night at 3:00AM.

It feels odd of course, there is a lot of empty space, openess, thinness.

Nothing much to say really, except it feels like the first half of today felt like it happened on a different day.

That picture of Hitler on the front page is CREEPING ME OUT.

It reminds me of an episode of Twilight Zone I saw, good episode though.

So I am departing in less than 3 hours, that makes me extremely happy. I didn't miss this place at all. It was neat chillin with my brothers, but the drama is just too much. I'm a very mellow person, I hate drama & chaos. My bed didn't feel like mine anymore. The couch was unfriendly. Everything was just--empty.

It may sound bad, but it's the truth. It's just not cozy here. I know I have to come back in August, but that doesn't change how I feel about the whole thing.

I probably wouldn't stay here.

You can keep in contact with friends through other mediums, & if they are close enough, they'll still be there. I can always make new friends. I could endure the ghettoness of those school districts for 1 school year. Not to sound racist, but I probably would end up hanging out with all white people 'cause I wouldn't fit in with the Puerto Rican and Black girls down there. But I wouldn't mind, I'd take that risk if it weren't for him.

I would have moved back a long time ago, I almost did several times. My parents didn't let me when I was young, then when they finally thought it was ok, he was already in my life. I can't leave him behind. Sure we could talk on the phone & whatnot, but I want us to share our senior year together, solidify things, really make a lasting impression.

I can find new friends and adapt to a new area, but I can't find another Javin. Like the quote I put on Myspace, "Some people wait a lifetime to find what we have". For the sake of true love, I must endure one more year in the hell hole.

But the sad thing is, so many people do. Grown adults. About 9 years ago my parents saw this infomercial with this guy selling a juicer. He was talking about the benefits of drinking pure fruit juice and how meat is bad because it is dead & whatnot. That I have no problem with. But he also said that beef specifically is the worst, and that it stays in your body for years. THAT is what you call rediculous. Food doesn't stay in your body for years, we have stomach acids that break things down. So after seeing that, they decided that our whole family wasn't going to eat beef anymore. For I while we believed it, believe that that's why we all only took a dump every 3 weeks. But that wasn't the reason. You know why that was really? Because we ate fuckin' McDonalds every other day!! And that's proven to be damaging to your health in a short amount of time. Of course if you eat out alllll the time, you are not going to be in good health, and might have stomach problems.

That was right before we moved into our new house. When we moved there, my mom stopped working so she started cooking more. We also didn't have money to go out to eat all the time anymore because of the mortgage. So in turn, our general health improved. I don't think it had anything to do with not eating beef.

In 4th grade a friend of mine invited me to her house, and I ate this sausage sandwich with an unknown meat in it. Later on my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. We deduced that it must have been beef. Now I'm thinking that they either didn't cook it thoroughly, or they were dirty.

One time in musical we hadn't eaten the whole day, and this girl brought in some beef sausages. I ate them because I was hungry, and guess what? Nothing happened! My parents have been telling us for years that if we go back to eating beef our stomachs will hurt because we're "not used to it", which makes no sense. If that were so, we wouldn't be able to eat new foods. But anyway, that was the first time. Then I was at my uncle's house and they had beef burgers on the grill. I decided to eat one, nothing happened. I told my family about that, they kept harping on it forever, and said it was nasty, when meanwhile they're eating pig, chicken, & turkey all the time. What's the difference? So then me & my grandma got some beef hotdogs. Then I saw that she had this slab of London Broil in the freezer, and it looked sooo good, so she made that about 4 days ago, and it was. And the icing on the cake, the MOUSSE on the cake, the confectioner's glaze, it makes me smile ear-to-ear as I think of it, the next day I got a Big Mac. It was one of the most delicious things I've ever tasted, maybe because I hadn't tasted it in almost 10 years.

All I know is I keep thinking about it, which only goes to show, banning something is never the best route to take, it's much better to use moderation. I plan on getting another one as soon as possible, without my parent's finding out (yeah I know I shouldn't give a fuck, but you know how that is).

I've been waiting for years! I saw flare jeans in the store today & got some, I mean REAL flare ones, like bell bottoms. I was gonna get these super huge-o-dynamic ones but I settled for slightly smaller ones. I can't wait until this skinny/straight leg jean thing fades out, I hate them! We had a bell bottom revival in the 90's, time to bring them back again.

I should be fluttering around like a helium balloon (what??). But I can't, because I've learned something about life over the years. 2 things. One being "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". The other being "Don't believe anything until it's happening".

I took initiative this time & asked my mother to talk to his mother. She said he can go with me. I can show him the place I speak of excessively, and we can also have fun at an amusement park. We can spend the day together. This can open up the communication line between our families that has never been opned since we met. This could be my happiest day.

Yet, as much as I want to be, I cannot be excited about it, because I have had too many past experiences of things being cancelled at the last minute. There is still too much time between now and then to get happy. I want to be elated, yet I am sad about what might happened. Having your dreams crushed when you're excited is much harder to deal with than when you are expecting it. I don't want to think this way, but I must, because of what I have learned.

He actually used the term "Zimmern-isms" on his site, because someone e-mailed him a list of adjectives he uses all the time.

Here's some faves from the first new episode.

"It's like being inside the stomach of a dead fish, but in the best way possible." {fish stomach curry}

"I have 8 thumbs." {trying to peel crabs off a net or something}

"It's chewy and snaily and fishy." {welks}

A pet peeve of mine is when people drag up old stuff that was resolved a while ago. As if there's not so much going on right here right now, that you insist on bringing up misconstrued ideas of what you thought was happening. 

And the side comments, I just can't stand. This is why I haven't had a female best friend in a long while (besides the fact my last one turned out to be an overbearing lesbian).

You want to trust someone, you want to think they are your friend, but then every once in a while they say something that makes you think twice. It makes me lose the little faith I have left in humanity.

She has many likeable qualities, moreso than unlikeable ones. It's just that the unlikeable one is nearly bad enough to negate the good. It's very subtle though, never outright.

Girls are conniving. Maybe I'm just paranoid, then again I've seen it proven so many times in so many ways. But I can't seek perfection, since it doesn't exist, so I guess I must accept it & limit how much of myself I give away.

 Maybe my blog can become famous or something, since it's the only one that actually has that word in it.

Here's some memorable quotes from the host of Bizarre Foods, Andrew Zimmern:

"It smells like a lime sliced open and soaked in ammonia for 2 years." (year-old fish)

"The liver gives it an iron-y touch"

"You can really taste the history in this food. You can taste the land, air, and sea of this place"

"It's like eating silica gel" [in case you don't recall, that's the stuff in the little white pouches that they put in shoe boxes that says DO NOT EAT on it]

"It tastes like sweet vaseline"

You & try & try to savor it while it's happening, but in the end it always, well, ends. And while you're happy it happened, you can't help but want to re-do it over & over, and feel almost sad that it's over. You think, "I wish I would have savore dit more" but you realize, you did as much as you possibly could, & still it had to end.

But eventually you get over and move on, thinking about it nostalgicly only every once in a while. And soon it is replaced with new, even more wonderful experiences.

I am referring to two events, or times. One will go through this cycle, the other wont, & never will. I'll never stop missing it, and I'll inevitably spend my life trying to recreate it. I'll move back, I'll collect & save things I used to have, do things I used to do, go places I used to go. Still, it will never be the same. It will be good, but never the same, because every moment in our lives is unique, you'll never have one identical again.

Because being with him a lot definitely increases passion & makes it feel like the beginning, when it's really years in. When we don't see eachother for long periods of time, we make assumptions, we argue, we're unsure of the state of things. But when we are with eachother, everything is clear and wonderful. The fire still burns brightly. And everything reminds me of him. And we absorb eachother's idiosyncrasies. And we communicate without saying a word. And I hope that it will last forever, or for as long as it's still there. Because it's the greatest, yet most frightening thing ever. Realizing you're at a point of no return, you're too far gone. Wondering, "what would I do without them?"

Those "good samaritan" wannabe's who act like the world is made of sugar & rainbows, and they never make fun of anyone. Welcome to reality. Everyone makes fun of people, and everyone does not deserve pity. You don't attract anyone by always saying, "Don't say that, it's not nice." On the contrary, you actually repel them.

The following is opinion, but still.

Those true good samaritan people are born, not made. You can't force yourself to be that, you just have it or you don't. It's the kind of people that win nobel peace prize, that everyone likes because they exude kindness naturally. They don't put on a facade to try to make people like them, they just can't help but be that way. And even they don't tell other people not to say things, they simply do not partake in the conversation. I know one girl like this. Everyone wants to be like her, but you can't, we can't. We can only admire her & those like her. Enjoy their company. She was born that way, she didn't train for it.

I shall proclaim this all over the web.

McCain is trying to go back to the issues now, rather than Obama's character, because he sees how dirty she plays. It's no longer common mudslinging, it's a full out sewer dive.

He had to tell his own supporters to cut it out with the racist comments. Palin continues to foster them. Most agree that they are over anyway, but you just never know. We didn't think Bush would win a second time either, but it happened.

Anyone that can vote better get out there and exercise that right, since I'm 17 and cannot. For the sake of America. I'm not saying Obama's a saint, but he is lightyears better than that witch. You can say, "But she's only the Vice President!". She's also conniving.

'Cause that's just bull. He's a terror. His behavior is dispicable, & he's turning 10.

And you've got me. The one (well 2) times in my life I did something major, it was like the world was ending. With them, it's just another day. Especially him.

I at least deserve a Victorian antique if he gets a $400 vehichle that he's legally not old enough to ride.

 So this week is Spirit Week at my school, & today was "Era day" meaning you can dress in attire of any era you'd like.

While at some stupid meeting all the seniors had to go to, me & my boyfriend heard a hilarious utterance from behind us, "Ohhh, it's era day? I thought they were saying air day! I was confused." We laughed at that for several minutes.

I turned to see who it was that said it, and it was the girlfriend of a guy I used to like a while back. That dude is pretty bright too, he's elite even to me.

Nice one. =P

So I'm going through old blog entries of mine from 2005.

Certain things changed, but a lot didn't.

I loved Javin just as much. (well maybe that's a lie, probably even more now)

I thought racism was the most vile thing ever

I was happy most of the time

I was still in love with Bethlehem & Allentown

I still say "awesome" way too much

I still laugh at EVERYTHING

Not only that, but my sense of humor is the same

I still suck at explaining things

I'm not as paranoid

I'm not a germaphobe

I'm not a health freak anymore

I'm not obsessed with Dexter

I think age huge age differences are gross

I use a wider vocabulary, though I actually had a pretty good one then too

I can actually operate digital cameras & cell phones

 So my scenario didn't turn out how I'd hoped, but instead how I feared. Moravian did not deliver. There are 2 good things, well 1 good thing and 1 weird thing worth saying about it though. It is one of the most beautiful places ever, especially that Comenius Hall. Secondly, it felt like I was there before. I knew my way around it instantly, and that NEVER happens. I have the worst sense of direction in the world. When I go to a new place, I never know which way to go. Sometimes I have to think about where I am in school, and I've been there for almost 3 years. But Moravian seemed very familiar. I sort of expected that though, because I dreamed about it. It didn't look how it did in my dream, or maybe it just doesn't look like that now...

Well despite if I was in Bethlehem in my past life, the point is, now I have revamped my idea of what I want in a college, meaning I must re-search agian. I wont get to visit everywhere I apply, and I discovered today, visiting is important. I didn't want to, but I might just have to go out of state if I think certain factors are better there.

Yet my happiness is accelerating because my...love ("boyfriend" just sounds like an understatement, as I've said before, it's a very mediocre term to describe something this profound) is sounding more like he'd like to apply to the same colleges as me. We connected on a new level yesterday, which I didn't even think was possible (well besides sex, and that wasn't what it was).

My mother & my grandmother insinuate that I not continue to see him. They say his parents are weird, and it will always be difficult. They say I can find someone better. Never again will I give up just because it's hard. It's worth every moment of my time. And what could be better than this? What on EARTH could be better than this?

This is a bold statement, maybe even naive, but I don't think they even no what it's really like.

My grandmother had one husband, and several boyfriends. They all wronged her in some way, left her raising 2 kids alone. My mother, a few boyfriends before my step dad, who she has been married to for 14 years, yet is unhappy with. She told me her feelings for him "left a long time ago". She's only staying with him for our sake. She knew him for a year before they got married. It was probably the same for my grandmother as well, because that's what they did. They married in their early 20s. I truly don't think they experienced true happiness in any of those relationships, at least none that was lasting. They never got to the new stages, they plateaued on that first one, jumped the gun, & ended up SOL because they realized they never really, truly loved them.

People rush things. We didn't. If they knew how great it really was, they would never want to deny me that feeling.

I'm not sure exactly how we ended up on the subject, considering it was first about my brother, not me. But basically, my mother said that if we would have stayed in Bethlehem or Allentown, I would be "different" from how I am now. That may be true to an extent, but I can only think of one reason why, and it's not living in the woods. But anyway, she said that I would be more "outcasted", and everyone would see me as a black girl that acts white. Still, I challenge her and anyone else, to find a white girl that acts like me? NO ONE acts like me. It's not a matter of race. If anything, I act old. But even putting THAT aside, she's basically saying that I wouldn't be able to find people that appreciated my bizarre personality, like I do now. That's utterly rediculous and the lamest reason ever. Just because I'm in a different town doesn't mean I can't find friends. This is America, there are so many different kinds of people out there, she's saying that if we weren't up here in booneyville, I woudn't be able to find decent black people to hang out with. How self-prejudiced is that? My choice of friends is based on intelligence. If you can hold an adult conversation, I'm likely to gravitate to you, no matter what race you are. If you're black and can do that, I gravitate to you even more, because that's just the way things are, all of us already have a special connection before even knowing eachother, don't deny it. To say that people that fit this criteria are only found HERE is absurd. I can find people anywhere in this damn country, and others too!

The only reason I'd be different is because I wouldn't have met Javin, and he's had more impact on me then anyone else.

They always seem to have a way of finding YOU, when you least expect it.

I like to go on Yahoo Answers, gives me anonymity (sp?) to give my 2 cents without anyone taking my age into account. And lately I've been answering more relationship questions, even by married people, and it seems I know more then they do! People that are older than me, supposedly wiser. They can't see a red flag when it's there. They think they love someone they've known for a week. So many things taht seem blatantly obvious to me.

A long time ago I asked a question on there about brining your kids up into a certain religion. Naturally I got strong opinions on both sides, but a lot of them assumed I had children, and/or that I was an adult. I told them I was 16 years old, and they said "There's no way you're 16".

That's why I get kind of offended when people mistake me for being younger than I am based on my looks, because inside I have the wisdom of someone who is 40. (not that I want to look 40 either =P)

To return now, or to go on and come back later.

I am accepted into a college that is about 20 minutes away from my home city which I have been dying to return to for 9 years. Thing is, it's an all-girls school with a slightly boring atmosphere, great academics it seems though. I'd probably live with my grandmother for at least a year, which would basically be like living with a parent, only she doesn't know my..."history". Then there's a place near Philly I'm going to visit this weekend, which I'll likely get accepted to, has wonderful study abroad opportunities, and the historical element that I crave. Not to mention a great chance for a promising social life, something I sort of missed out on in high school.

I feel like I wont be complete until I go back to Bethlehem. Though even if I went with the first school, I still woudn't be able to move TO Bethlehem until I had a job to pay rent. With option 2 I can always go back and visit when I have breaks, but I'd basically be waiting 4 more years to go back. Is it worth it? I guess I'll see this weekend. Or with any other school for that matter, go off and persue the things I never got to do, or go for what I've missed for so long?

So I had a quite odd dream last night, but then after I thought about it, it really wasn't all that odd. I figured out exactly what it means.

Well it started off that me & my boyfriend were together somewhere, and he had to leave. His parents were in a car waiting for him, only they looked older. They were calling him to get in the car but he didn't want to go, he would kiss me, go towards the car, come back & kiss me again, go towards the car, etc. Then he finally went in. *sarcasm* (THAT doesn't sound familiar....)

Then I was in a car with my grandmother, my brothers, and 2 girls I know. We had been out all day, and we were hungry, so we told her to stop at this food place. (I think it was Red Robin?) So we went in & my mom and dad were in there too. The place was an absolute wreck. It looked like it had been abandoned for 100 years except for the people eating in there. The entrance was at the top, and there were 3 or 4 floors. My mom & dad were sitting at a floor below us (you could see down to all of them, there were no walls dividing) and there were no stairs! They told us to jump down to them. Now while the jump was only about 5 feet or so, I still found it utterly rediculous that I had to jump down to the floors. Then we couldn't find a place to sit, because most tables only sat 2 people, and they were all filled. The chairs were pieces of wooden crap, as were the tables. The building was wooden too, and everything was painted that white that looks like you tried to cover up crap, but it still looks horrible. I had to use the bathroom, and they said it was on the top floor so I was wondering how I was going to get up there. (There was a door on the bottom floor to the outside as well, but I didn't use it, didn't think to) So I asked the people that worked there, and it turns out there was one staircase. It was very narrow & beat up, and didn't lead to any other floors, only the top one. So I opened the wooden door (the 2 girls were with me) and there was one crappy little toilet in this big room. The sink looked prehistoric. So I used the toilet, and for some strange reason I didn't care that the other 2 girls were in there, and neither did they. When I stood up to flush it, the floor starting tilting, the whole floor! So I quickly ran to the other side to stabalize it before we fell off the damn thing. After that we all ran out, screaming that this place was about to fall apart. No one seemed to notice, nor care. I once again had to jump off the side in order to get back where I was. My parents were acting like nothing was wrong. Sure the girls realized it once the floor was about to tilt & fall underneath them, but before that, they didn't care either.

Yep, I can totally see where this came from.

Only into remission.

For a while I'll be happy, joyful, on top of the world, cloud 9. But every once in a while, throughout this year, until I get some sort of conformation, I'll be sad, doubtful, unsettled.

I get so into the good times, but then I always remember that they will one day be gone. It's like that with everything, but this is the biggest thing. And then there's always that thought that even if things do work out, it may not be any better than now.

A lot of my hope rides on things possibly getting better. But then I start to think, we'll still be busy. Likely even busier than we are now. We'll have classes & homework, and clubs, and jobs. Who's to say we'll see eachother even then?

Which gets me thinking, what's the point of being in the relationship in the first place? You can't have a good one if you never see eachother. That is why so many fail, because there is not enough time, not enough communication. Unless you are rich, life continues on that way. You have to work, you have things to do, not much free time. It never gets any better. You fall into a routine. Everything always ends up a routine. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, unless you mean death. It just continues on & on, occasionally switching tracks, but still fundamentally the same.

 I don't like to think this way, but it is valid. What if it's not great? What if this is really it, like some people say? What will I do then? I don't want to live a life of monotony & mediocrity. But how can I avoid it?

It's not even just about us, it's about everything, life, our existence.

And once again I almost wish I was a typical dumb teenager that doesn't give a crap about any of this until I'm 45.

"Wouldn't that just be horrible if you found out you couldn't have kids?"

No, it wouldn't, I told her, because I don't want kids. Some people in this world shouldn't have children. It wouldn't make me feel like less of a woman, because I don't care. It would actually make things easier.

But she didn't like that answer, & like I knew she would, proceeded to say something about me when I got up, not thinking that my boyfriend would tell me. (Funny how she thinks he's her "best guy friend" when he really couldn't care less, she's just someone to talk to)

If you ask a question like that, expect someone to disagree. Why ask it in the first place? WHY on earth would you be thinking of that at 17 or 18? Kids are the last thing on my mind right now. How about getting an education, a job, & house first, or is that too traditional? Maybe I'll care about "passing on my legacy" when I get older, but right now it looks like a hassle. It looks like you give up 18 years of your life serving someone else, giving away your happiness & freedom, then when it's all over, you're too old to want to do anything you wanted to before, or you don't have the money, or you're divorced, or one of your kids can't support themselves, etc. Every person that had kids said that was the end of their money and free time. Maybe it's worth it, but I'm sure at least some of the time it's not. I don't see why you have to judge someone based on something like that, live your life, I'll live mine. Who gives a crap who ends up having babies & who doesn't, WE'RE FUCKING 17!