Just can't live that negative way...make way for the positive day!--Bob Marley

Of course everyone says that. But alot of the people that claim that are fake themselves. There is nothing better than knowing you have a friend or friends that are real and true and non-judgemental. Someone you feel totally comfortable around and know that no matter what you say, no matter how crazy,wierd or usually unacceptable, they wont think any differently of you. There are a lot of people I consider friends, but that I still would not open up to completely. But then there are a select few that get lucky enough. I'm so glad there's still people like that out there.

Even though I've brought this up a couple of times, tonight I realized that whatever this unidentified anxiety disorder is that I have must be corrected in some way soon. I can't continue to live like this. I wont be able to function in the real world. If you're in a bad mood in school, big deal. But if you're in a bad mood at work and say something nasty to someone even not really meaning it, you could get fired. One day I could be going through one of my bad phazes and be driving. I wont be paying attention to the road, caught up in a spiraling of thoughts, then all the sudden BOOM I crash somebody and kill myself or another person. I can't even imagine being the cause of someone's death. I'd be fucked up for life. I would have to be drugged up to deal with that. My self as I am would be lost foerver. But anyway, back to how I'm being affected now. I don't have high blood pressure or bad vision. There was nothing worng with my mouth in 4th grade when I refused to swallow my spit. When I'm sitting in my classes now, when I'm feeling calm and normal, I notice that everything looks so clear. It's like a bright light turned on. But as soon as I realize what's happening, it goes darker again. I can still see, but it doesn't look as clear as it did before. But once I'm at a doctor or nurse and they're checking my eyes, I can't see a thing. I get more anxious and afraid by the second and everything gets darker and blurrier. Pretty soon I can't even read the 3rd line. I am NOT that blind, trust me. If I couldn't read letters that big it would be pretty obvious. How many 6 year olds do you know that daily think about the meaning of life and death and try to figure it out? That was me. I never knew what it felt like to be a "normal" child that only thought about toys and candy. It's affected 2 areas of health already now-the blood pressure and vision. What will it attack next? What disease or condition are they going to claim I have next all because of psychological things? It needs to stop now. I can't live like this.