Just can't live that negative way...make way for the positive day!--Bob Marley

So today I went to the doctor's for a check up ick. I HATE going to the doctor's ever since a few years ago. But before I get into that, it is so frikin cold!!! I'm liking the rain but not the cold. I actually had to turn on my heat today.

Anyways, the doctor. Now I'm not a religious/superstitious person, but I sometimes feel something must be watching over me. You see last time I went to the doctor's it was a disaster because since I was all scared about doing the eye test, and before they did it they checked my blood pressure and it was obviously raised. So that day resulted in them telling me I can't see and I have high blood pressure. But today they said they don't do vision and hearing tests anymore unless you pay because insurance may not cover it. So we didn't have to do it! So I calmed down a little bit. When they did the blood pressure thing I was still feeling some aanxiety. I got that cold feeling around me, like what you get when you're about to tell someone you like them. This was due to thinking about my last experiece there. The doc said the top number was normal but the bottom number wasn't. He asked me if I was nervous I said yes, and he wrote this thing so I can get it checked at school. I also got a meningitis shot. Shots don't bother me. My arm is sore though. Everything else was fine, and I was right about losing weight, I lost 6 1/2 pounds since last year! And that was just from walking more and eating better. I believe that was the first time in my life I ever lost weight. I've gained, I've stayed the same, but never lost. So it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but still not great. I sware though with that eye thing I must have a spirit or something watching me 'cause shit like that happens to me kinda often. I just find it hard to believe that one "God" is watching ALL of us and would pay so much attention to me to do little things like that to make my life easier.

Now this blood pressure thing. No one can really be 100% sure of anything, but I'm 99.99999% sure I do not have high blood pressure. I am also that sure that I DO have an anxiety disorder. and since that one experience I had 2 years ago, my blood pressure reading on those cuff thingys will never read normal again. They have turned it into a phobia. Anytime they put one of those cuffs on me, no matter where I am, I will always become anxious and my heart rate will go up. It's inevitable unless I'm asleep or on drugs. As soon as the visit was over, I was fine. I was no longer cold and shaky, and I no longer felt scared. But even if they decided to check my blood pressure at that very moment, or even know when I'm calm, it would go up immediatley just at the thought of it. Checking it at school wont make a difference. And there's no other way I can prove to these people that I do not have high blood pressure. They'd have to wake me up in the middle of the night and just slap it on before I even know what's happening. But otherwise, that's it. And the thing that sucks is that nobody gets it. No one understands. They say "That happened a long time ago. You know there's nothing wrong with you. What's the worst that could happen?" It's all irrelavant. Of course I know that, my rational mind is thinking all of these things, desperately trying to calm myself down. But the more I try to reassure myself, the worse it gets. You'll never understand unless you go through it.