Everything turns to cycles, eventually. I'm more fond of the larger ones, the ones that probably wont repeat themselves in my lifetime. That way, I can't tell that it is one at all.

This time in 2012 I [will] be sitting in a dorm or apartment in Florida (appartment being the preferred choice of course). I don't say "hope to be" because that implies possible unattainability. It is very attainable, I'm already researching schools, and you'd best believe by this time next year, several applications will be completed. I'm bound to get accepted somewhere, given I can keep my GPA at or around where it is now.

And my love, my soul mate if you will, will be there beside me evefry step of the way. That requires no brackets. That I am positively sure of.

And the sad reality is I probably wont see him again until January 17th. No sense trekking back up there just for them to say no, and tell him that he's choosing me over his family.

We definitely need a new plan for the summer =/.

I spit upon the idea of family lately, it rarely means anything. The only thing that keeps a sliver of hope alive is the prospect of starting my own one day, and making things right.

But what if I---we, fail too?

...right through people. Their insecurities, their fears, their true natures. What they are trying to be, what they wish they were, what they try with all their hearts not to be.

If you can't make fun of yourself, then you can't claim to be a laid-back individual. You [shouldn't] make fun of others either.

Standing up for some kind of "cause" and harping on it does not make you alturistic, it's the way you carry yourself.

You are not philosophical because you have a Buddha in your room, and you love to talk about your theories of existance.

People need to lear that you are what you are. Everyone always says they are "real". The realest thing you can do is accept who you are & embrace it. If you want to make a change in your life, by all means do so, but trying to convince others that you fit a certain mold is not the way. You have to just take the steps that lead you there, & pat yourself on the back, don't go asking for everyone else's approval.

When you're good at something, or when you posess a certain quality, people notice, & they tell you. You don't tell people you're generous, funny, nice, smart, talented, etc. because if you are, it will show on its own.

Making a big deal about it just shows that you need reassurance, that you don't really believe it yourself.

People shine so much brighter when they let themselves be what they are. Even if you are mean, I'd rather you admit it, it will make me respect you & maybe even like you. You can't hide what's inside.

[Mary Jane Chronicles part I]

^ Nah, just kidding about that, although I may have hatched an idea!

Yes, it reveals things to me. Those things stay with me after the high has faded. I can still see people, so many people, trying so hard to prove thier worth. In him, all I see is what is always there. No transparency, no faking, no over-trying, just endless depth. That's why I love him.

Since I still talk to my step dad. I guess to do that is equivalent to killing someone's first-born.

I need to live by myself next year for sure, but I would LOVE to get an apartment this summer. I don't think I'll make it through the summer. I managed to endure the grilling without flipping out, but that's only for a little less than a week. 4 months, that's a different story.

Let's just say I'm more than ready to go back to school. Not that I really wanted to leave anyway. While things are never perfect, the freedom at college compared to here is immense.

Well, I finally got a pair of boots. And I definitely have one real friend from college.

There aren't 80 bajillion cops around, as opposed to Temple. But I suppose it has to be that way there.

Anywho, this week has been one of great reflection. I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do, all I know is I'll never be truly happy until I have a decent-paying job, my own place to stay, and my own vehicle. I am not at all looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I know I'll just be grilled about stupid stuff that wasn't even that big of a deal.

"Go take a cold shower", what the fuck? How dare he sum up a most vital part of my life with "hormones"? Javin has been with me through it all, way back when we were just middle school kids. Surely all the years we spent together & are still spending together is not a result of crazed hormones. If it were that simple, we would have moved on ages ago. They have no idea of the complexity of our relationship; they couldn't even begin to imagine what we've been through together and how we still made it through, without ever having to curse at eachother or call eachother bad names. They don't know the meaning of true love, as they stew in their unending unhappy marriage until they wither away and die. She takes his verbal abuse with little or no protest every day, and these are the people that are going to tell ME I need not rush into relationships. Rush? It's been 4 years! "You only know one boy." Oh, so I guess I should be whoring around instead? You should be ESCSTATIC that I've remained with the same person so long! At least if anything did happen, they'd know exactly who it was beyond a shadow of a doubt.

But I rest my case. I can't wait until break is over. Winter & Summer, I don't even want to think about. I need to start looking for jobs and apartments.

Talking about moral decay of society and all that non-sense, when meanwhile their own son furnished a bed for us to sleep in together.