is the weed.

and the easy work I suppose.

I've realized that I am not cool with someone else controlling who I can have over & for what duration. Nor am I down with being told after a certain time I have to be "quiet" (which is a relative term, people can interperet that differently). I'm tired of dealing with jealous, bitchy girls, worrying if I'm going to get in trouble for something. I'm tired of the unsaintary ways these girls keep the bathroom, what with vomit everywhere, so much hair in the drain that every shower stall overflows but one (the one without a changing room), shit left in the toilets, whatever else in the sinks. I'm sick of the stupid Chuck Norris jokes on the door of EVERY bathroom stall in the school (I've started ripping them down since no one else would).

But most of all, I hate when one morning I wake up, Javin is beside me, and the next morning I wake up, and he's not.

I hate those early morning dashes to the drain station, and how there's barely enough time to say goodbye.

I hate the empty feeling that comes thereafter, and lingers on throughout the day, or the next day if we parted in the night time.

The tools I need in order to solve these problems are apparent, but not easy to attain and mantain. I need a job, one that is close to my school (if I stay here). I need my own apartment, which means I will have tow orry about walking or commuting some other way, which costs money. Thirdly, I need to wake up next to him every morning. That causes a dilemma on where to move, and also costs even more money, since we'll both need to commute to seperate places.

Unless we move to New York...

This and other things are what I am attempting to solve at the moment. 

When my dad and I were at the Paul Robeson house, a small segment of dialogue took place that went something like this:

Dad: Yeah, I brought my daughter here to see this.

Lady: (to me) You must have a really wonderful father.

Me: Yeah.

*me and my dad exhchange an awkward smile*

My Mind: I bet he would have been.

It's not exactly too late now, but the vital part of my development is done, and he didn't get to be a part of it. He said many people told him he would make a great father. He told everyone about me, how every other kid he knows was getting his fatherly attention except for his very own.

Last night was wonderful. Didn't get back to the dorm until 5am. Can we say New Record? There may be more of the same in store for tonight!

Then there was some bitchitude. An unfortunate part of living with a typical female.

But then, I spent the day in Philly with my dad!! We went to the Paul Robeson House (look it up) & got some food. On the way back to my school we got soaked in the hurricane-status rain we are having in Pennsylvania. I found out his birthday is the same day as my boyfriend's. He reads Stephen King, he's on the 4th book of Dark Tower. We have other little random things in common, just traits I always wondered the origination of.

All I need is my own living space and I will be AUTO.

Yes, it was surreal and crazh and exciting and all that you would expect it to be. Yes, I want to do it again very soon. I found out some pretty crazy things, but nothing that was beyond belief. One of the biggest things I found out was that they were not even dating, they never did. My mom had a boyfriend & he knew about it, and they didn't care. I was a true accident. I suppose it doesn't matter now, but it's still something worth knowing. It seems to me that she kept me away from him because she wanted to forget about it & start her new life with her new husband. But that didn't all work out fine and dandy either, did it now?

He told me that his family is very close. That is something I have been craving forever. i've always envied those people who knew all their family members & had them all over for holidays and things like that. I could have had that, on at least one side. I suppose I still can now, but I still missed out on that as a child.

He was not a bad guy, he was a typical 21 year old. He drank all the time because he could. He worked many jobs in his life time. None was ever a steady one, but he still worked. He just got his Associates degree in business, and is going for his Bachelor's starting January. He always wanted to see me & know me. He loves kids.

He gave me these two outfits him & his mom got for me when I was 2. They were still in the original Christmas wrapping paper. The store they came from doesn't even exist anymore. He gave me this toy clock that said for ages 2-5. The date on it was 1992, still in its original box. He said he knew that one day when I was able to, I would come find him.

I ahve not physically spoken to my step dad since before I came to college. Not intentionally, we just haven't. We only communicated by e-mail & text message. Now that I found my real dad, I kind of feel like I don't need him anymore. He wasn't much of a father anyway; and now he's in this phase where he's acting like someone my age. Why would I still want to talk to him when I barely had a realtionship with him in th first place, and now I found the man that actually shares my DNA? I feel whole now, not just have of something. We went to thse "family reunions" of my step dad's side of the family, and I always felt out of place because it wasn't my bloodline. Those people were not my cousins, aunts, uncles, anything. I have an aunt that is 19, my real aunt.

There is so much more I could say, and so much more left to talk about with him. He's planning to come to my college at some point, that will be very exciting. A whole day. So many new beginnings...